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Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in andrew macnab's LiveJournal:

Thursday, August 23rd, 2001
6:30 am
You can get tired of swimming in the ocean of bliss.
It comes to feel oversweet, sticky and cloying.
You start wondering what lies at the bottom of this.
Then the bottom drops away.
6:26 am
bio for "zendo" list
Hi, I'm Andrew Macnab, I've been a subscribed to this list for a year or so. I'm 46
years old, born in London England, grew up in Toronto, moved to Nova Scotia with my
family as a teenager. Married 20 years, no kids.
Live in rural Nova Scotia, on the east coast of Canada. Work for a building contractor
specialising in insurance work. My father was an Anglican priest, I discovered Zen
from books (D.T.Suzuki, Thomas Merton, Alan Watts) borrowed from his study as a
teenager, was immediately hooked. Mirrors shattered in a time of intense meditation
following the sudden death of my mother shortly after. Without assistance, integration
of this understanding was slow and arduous. Took engineering, then philosophy at a
jesuit university, left without a degree. I have been a regular meditator, mostly
alone, sometimes with friends all my adult life. Studied tai-chi and kung fu with a
chinese teacher for a few years. It is only fairly recently that there has been a real
sense of integration of being in the world and be-ing. I read whatever comes into my
hands to do with zen, buddhism, tao, nonduality in general; somehow, there has been a
continuous stream. I am especially drawn to Dogen, Nagarjuna, Lao tse, Sankara, and in
the twentieth century the advaitin sages Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta Maharaj.
Participating in a few mailing lists since getting internet a few years ago has
developed a joy of sangha out of which I am now moving into increasing connections in
the local community. Life goes on...


Sunday, August 19th, 2001
6:27 am
Identity is an activity you can engage in or not.
Identity/suffering fall away and experience continues.
Apart from this happening in self realization and sages,
if you are with a dying person you see it.
Thursday, August 16th, 2001
2:51 pm
*Not Waiting*
now it is eh? and now and now is it is
now not to imply a possibility of then eh?
A fissure close the eye to learn to explore
brightness unchanging exploding eh?
o the silent breaking of the waves
2:49 pm
sacrifice! sacrifice!
already they are
only they don't realize it yet
2:49 pm
So to identify with body so with sack of meat there is some sweetness there no denial
so brief and suffering too sweet as well perhap so
and a name for with a sack of meat so to tell mine from yours so and theres the rot
set in so and some day you say i say enough no more how could i have so no more never
more i am not this meat thing how could i have ever thought so and so its over ans so
have no fear be absent so and whatrevr name still i am nameless so
2:48 pm
Lists and lists and lists what you looking for that isn't here and names what's this
big deal about names is a thought or a word some thing to be owned and disowned,
traded like a debased currency not too current. a VOICE IN THE DARK YOU RECOGNISE OR
NOT AND IF NOT MAYBE YOU SAY WHOSE THAt speaking and speaker say fear not or doesn't
so what maybe someone shows up with sack full of body parts do you want to know their
name or rather not so and the space is always here but never between us my sweetness
so perhaps a creature of an unknown species shows up and has no name but can speak and
here is the place to so perhaps you see the thousands of gods and you tell about it so
but never would put on your name there, not fitting so to claim it like but really to
believe is not so not so necessary for we are here named or not, we are more here so
unnamed for this would never be written so with a name upon so for it is not mine to
claim if me there is to claim it so or we for if I am then I am plural so and as many
mnames as there are all are mine so believing doesn't matter since we are here so and
where else so to name me is to set me apart so off at a distance so and what's the
good of that since you must come to me anyway or have no being for me so and there is
nothing wanting but only intimacy and in intimacy there are no names unless cried out
in passion so and then the name is a name so
2:44 pm
if attention remains on the background radiation of unrest; if
there is observation of movement from the pointless still point, an elaborate pattern
or design is seen to blossom. As this pattern is seen, it becomes possible to move
into it as along the lines of a labyrinth or a mandala, which is movement of a
different order than the brownian-motion-like buffeting of blind unrest. It's
2:43 pm
An island full of birds-nests.
We are all this and more
Driving home there was a car crash
We are all this and more
The way the ocean surges around that rock
we are all this and more
What the heck IS that up there in the sky
We are all this and more
2:41 pm
Another list and another.
What for cultivation.
Maybe not.
Welcoming in.
Lord have mercy.
On ME.
Quenched again.
2:37 pm
To speak of being is to make an entity...

Or three.
2:28 pm
Every possible life gets lived, and the possibilities are endless.
2:21 pm
I alone am *The*Useless*One*
2:19 pm
It's like trying not to think of an elephant; the more you try the more the thought
of an elephant comes up. Of course there is no elephant, only a thought.
The same thing's true of *I*.
2:18 pm
What is? ... Is is.
What is there? ... For there to be there there, there must be here here, hear?
What is "worth"? ... Reality sifted through a net of value. Net worth, whose?
Being, having, gaining ... Where are you going, where have you been?

lovely sun wonderful rain

Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001
3:39 am
An exploration in language.

Being is essence.
Becoming is energy.

Essence is unknown.
This knows not.
Is is.
No more than that.
To speak of being is to make an entity.

All manifestation is energy; becoming.

Becoming without any progress towards.
Without anything becoming anything.

There is not an entity, only becoming.

Worship here is celebration of energy as energy by energy.
What energy 'does'.
The dance.
Sunday, June 24th, 2001
5:41 am
Well now.
Well well well.
To draw a bucket of water
you must drop the bucket
so it lands upside down.
This is the best way.
Otherwise you have to
jerk the rope around
to make it tip.
Wednesday, June 14th, 2000
11:59 pm
Sometimes when i am sitting meditating, thought stops for an unknown time and the tendency is for thinking to restart with a start, with a slight panicy feel like suddenly taking a breath after forgetting to breathe. thought is like breathing that way. it's as though identity will perish if it's not reestablished right now. writing about the dog being frightened of the waves led me to think of this. other times this doesn't happen.
10:51 pm
Today was an unremarkable day.
I tried frying cold cooked cream of wheat like polenta. It worked. I went rowing after supper. With the dog. The dog got scared in the waves.
I'm learning to use a mig welder by welding a new floor in my old jeep. Cars rust a lot here. I considered applying for a job in a bookstore.
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